Mentoring issues for lgb students and professionals: advice and admonitions
Ruth E. Fassinger, University of Maryland[A number of students and colleagues have requested that I share my “keynote address” from the Division 44 mentoring workshop for students, presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association in August, 2000; below is a summary of the main points made during that presentation. I hope it is helpful to many. REF]
Find a mentor
Research indicates that mentoring generally helps people in their career/professional development. Research on mentoring also indicates that many people are not fortunate enough to work with mentors who are like them demographically (e.g., sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation), but that mentoring can still work well even when the participants in the mentoring relationship are very different. Finally, we know from research that proximity is certainly helpful, but long-distance mentoring can work too. The important thing is that both are committed to the relationship and the process. Hence, the following advice:
- Mentors can be LGB or non-LGB, male or female
- Mentors can be in your program or job site or elsewhere
- Mentors can be locally available or geographically distant
How to find a mentor
Find a person
Perhaps you know of someone by reputation or have had contact with someone you think can be a mentor for you. Maybe this is someone whose research is in your area of interest or whose therapeutic specialty is of interest to you. Finding an appropriate person to be a mentor also may involve getting advice and recommendations from others knowledgeable about the areas you are interested in.
Find a place
If you are searching for an educational program (e.g., graduate training), it is useful to determine which programs are likely to be supportive of LGB issues and people or actually have “out” LGB faculty in them (outness is important here simply as a gauge of how supportive the program may be). APA and Division 44 have this kind of information available, and your current faculty also may know some of this. For clinical experiences, perhaps there is a site near you that specializes in the kind of populations you are interested in. Ask lots of questions and meet lots of people in order to figure out who might be appropriate and available to mentor you.
Find a project
Getting involved in a project of interest can be a good way to connect with more experienced professionals and peers who share your interests. Division 44 has many committees that welcome involvement, as do many other divisions (e.g., the LGB, women’s, vocational, and racial/ethnic diversity sections of Division 17; Division 35; Division 45; Division 51). Being active on committees and task forces puts you in contact with potential mentors, and also gives you an opportunity to demonstrate your talent and commitment.
How to get the most out of mentoring
Self-assessment is important
You need to know what you want and what you can offer in a mentoring relationship. Know what your strengths and limitations are so you can present yourself honestly and with integrity. It’s a good idea to write it down and practice saying it before you have a first meeting with a potential mentor (which may be a little scary!).
Take initiative, be a “go-getter”
Be willing to take on responsibility and be ready to take risks. Don’t wait for a mentor to dream of ways to promote your professional development – decide for yourself what you want and constantly look for opportunities to take steps in those directions (e.g., finding out about awards given to students and asking your mentor to write letters of support). Ask your mentor to help you get “networked” with other professionals, and be responsible for knowing what is going on in your specialty, job site, or program so that you can seize possibilities when they arise. If your mentor is good, chances are s/he is overly committed and in great demand – you can help by taking responsibility for your own professional growth.
Be prepared
Think ahead of each meeting what you need to accomplish and write down your ideas, timelines, needs, etc. The more organized you are, the easier it will be for your mentor to help you.
Be honest
Don’t promise what you can’t deliver and don’t pretend to be what you aren’t just because you think that’s what your mentor wants. Your mentor will be more helpful if s/he knows who you REALLY are.
Set expectations, agreements, boundaries, and respect them
Get clear with your mentor early on about what you expect from one another (don’t assume you know because everyone is different) and then stick to those agreements. Formal contracts can be useful, but you can also type up and share informal “minutes” of your meetings with your mentor that clarify and confirm agreements you both have made. And NEVER press your luck on the things that you know are really important to your mentor (e.g., being on time for meetings, not calling her/him on weekends at home).
Work within the bounds of mentor expertise
Your mentor can help you most effectively if your professional development (e.g., research or clinical skills) is in the areas s/he knows best. For example, if your research mentor studies attachment theory and relationships, don’t ask her/him to advise a dissertation on behavior therapy – neither s/he nor you will benefit.
Don’t expect special treatment
Even if you and your mentor have a relationship made in heaven, you should not expect to be treated differently from others (e.g., don’t assume you can be late for appointments or classes just because your mentor knows you are juggling kids or scrambling to finish your thesis).
Keep your mentor updated
Nothing is more frustrating to a committed mentor than to be the last to know that you just moved or got pregnant or got a terrific externship or a new job. Let your mentor be the first to know.
Don’t use your mentor as a therapist
A good mentor will need and want to know about your personal life so that s/he can help you more effectively. And you (and perhaps your mentor too) are likely to shed a few intimate tears over the course of your relationship together. But on-going or serious problems deserve outside help. Don’t burn out your mentor by expecting more than is appropriate. If you aren’t sure what is permissible in the bounds of your relationship, ASK – your mentor will tell you what s/he can and can’t provide.
Remember that mentoring exists on a two-way street
Although the main purpose of mentoring is to further the development of the mentee, the mentor usually engages in it because s/he expects something out of it too – whether that is a co-authored publication or grant or the simple gratification of watching someone grow. Find out what your mentor wants out of mentoring and be sure you are trying to provide that in return.
Let your mentor be human
Everyone has bad days or gets short-tempered or becomes unavailable for periods of time. Your mentor has a whole life outside of her/his relationship with you, and you must allow for that without getting resentful or feeling ignored (obviously, protracted unavailability or continually deteriorating communication are signs that it is time to have a serious talk or begin to search for a new mentor).
Don’t abuse your mentor
Stick to your promises, let your mentor know when you can’t and why (and suggest alternatives to your original plan), don’t ask for favors that are out-of-line, and be considerate of your mentor’s other commitments.
Thank and praise your mentor
If you have a good mentor, let him or her know that you think so. Nominate her/him for mentoring awards, talk him/her up to others, send letters of praise to her/his superiors, but, most importantly, thank your mentor every so often for the time and energy you get. Mentoring is one of the most difficult jobs there is, usually for little or no outside reward, so the intrinsic rewards of a special relationship have to suffice for most of us – strengthen that relationship periodically by letting your mentor know how very much you appreciate it.
Mentor others when and where you are able
Research indicates that peer mentors can be as effective as senior mentors in many situations. Anyone can be a mentor because everyone has something to offer another in terms of unique knowledge, experience, or expertise. Laura Brown has spoken and written eloquently about the “normative creativity” that characterizes LGB people because we are always making things up as we go along in the absence of societal support, structures, and direction. Mentoring – regardless of where it comes from – is critical for us in figuring out how to live our lives, and we all must take responsibility for creating it for ourselves and others.